"I become attached to people I shouldn’t. I distance myself from the people who matter. I am bad with people. I am good at being alone. But I hate being lonely."
Sunny 10 CF : Sehun Ver.
How many times have you felt it? Does it creep under your skin? Does it come like a thief in the night? Apparently, it does. You don’t know pain if it doesn’t seep inside your sanity and make you numb. Funny right? Pain makes you numb. Pain makes you forget. Pain makes you change. Pain distorts reality and life becomes fight or flight. Pain turns the mighty to crumbling ruins and makes the weak rise from fiery ashes. It’s everywhere— in smiles, laughs, eye contacts, simple touches, etc… So evident yet so easy to conceal. It is powerful yet fragile. But why do we feel pain? Why are our minds programmed to feel such horrendous feeling? Because we are human. Pain is evidence that we are human enough to feel it. But our human nature makes others feel it— our blindness, numbness, and selfishness all contribute to this. The scary thing is, those mentioned are just a tiny portion of an endless ocean. the human mind is vast and sometimes people cause pain without being aware of it. Then again it’s human nature. We overlook things.
"But your best friend is still your best friend. Even from half a world away. Distance can’t sever that connection. Best friends are the kind of people who can survive anything. And when best friends see each other again, after being separated by half a world and more miles than you think you can bear, you pick up right where you left off.After all, that’s what best friends do."
— (via lostwiththewolves)
I still wonder if that day will come. The day when I’ll stop missing persons and the mistakes I made like letting them go. I want to bang my head on the wall for being such a cowardly person, shielding myself from other persons who really cared. It was so stupid. I was so stupid. Being indulged and a martyr in things that hurt really takes up most of the important time doesn’t it? And when persons change, that’s when you’ll realize that they cared— but it’s too late.
March 1, 2014
I’ve always wondered why you left us so suddenly. It seems like 2 years ago, you were here by our side—cooking for us and teaching me how to play chess even if I don’t get it. In late nights I would hear you with her singing cancions with only the tunes of the night as an accompaniment. Now only photographs and albums will ever hold your smiles—at least in those things, you are there. When I was young, I pondered why you would accompany us in parks and watch the stars in the plaza. People in your age group would most likely be in their homes sleeping, rather than accompanying others. You would always request for me to have siestas with you and I would say no. You irritated me then. I hated your prickly beard. But I was young and absent-minded. I never thought of the things that would come in the future. Now I hate myself for saying no. You won’t see this, I know. It pains me that you will never witness nor hear these unspoken words. But I was young then, and I have only learned these things now. I would always play with the big ladles in our house and make you carry me when I’m tired. Sometimes I feel envious of another person because he’s your favourite. You would carry him extra longer than me. When I am present in front of you, you would still ask where he is. But it’s okay. I understand now. I’ve always wondered why some people don’t call you with just one endearment—in fact, there are two endearments. I remember when you would take us to the fields and let us play in the mud or climb the trees or made us improvised swings made of yokes. Life went on. Your hair grew lighter, even your beard. But you would still cook. In the passing years, I have learned a lot about you. Some questions now have answers. Another one came into this world and it took your attention. I felt envious then, but school and other matters took over. I forgot. But you still sang your cancions and kept your prickly beard. I thought life would always be this way, with you by our side. Your eyes were growing old but I just watched. I think that I took you for granted. I thought you’d never disappear. But life is a bitch. I know you won’t appreciate me using adjectives like that, but it perfectly fits the situation. You are a good man. It is evident. You never laid a finger on us. One left us. I was moved when that person told you “Sana ikaw nalang yung naging tatay ko”, that phrase fit into my puzzle. That put a gash in my heart. All those times why I wondered I never had one of your features are now explained. But that is not the reason. You treated us as if we were your own—yet I took that for granted. The reason for that gash is myself. I took you for granted, never realizing that you did more for us than I thought. I don’t think I’ve said “I love you” to you ever and that pains me. I wish I could’ve have said those words sooner—when you were here, accompanying us to the park, letting us play with your cooking tools, teaching me how to play chess, letting us go to the fields, or asking me to have siestas with you… It’s been two years but I still feel the pain. It’s still here, but buried under the “now” things. I hope that when you were still here, you didn’t think that I didn’t love you—because I did but then, I was just at loss for words. I never regretted you being a part of my life. If only you could see me now and witness what I’ve become. I hate myself. I hate myself for not having the courage to tell you those words. You held us when we were falling apart. But things like this do not deserve teary-eyed endings. This day is your birthday. I didn’t expect that two years ago on this day would be the last time I see you. March one, two years ago, you welcomed us and kissed my forehead. That was the last memory of you having a contact with me. Like I said, things like this don’t deserve teary-eyed endings. Happy Birthday Grandpa, Daddy, Daddy Rose. You’ll still be here in my heart and I’ll never forget the things we shared or the moments we had. Thank you for taking care of us during summer vacations or treating us to the park during evenings and shielding us from the bitter things we don’t deserve to experience then. Thank you for filling a gap in ourselves that we didn’t even know we had… I love you.
forgive me father for i have sin-ed.. and cos-ed.. and tan-ed.. hahaha also i killed my trigonometry teacher